Week 4-10/2/2016
Dear little ones,
I can't even believe I am writing a week four letter. I am still in such shock and disbelief that we are here and that it looks like something may have worked! Shock and disbelief don't even begin to cover the feelings that I'm having right now but add in anxiety and excitement and overwhelming joy and paralyzing fear and I think it becomes more apparent to how I'm feeling. Not because I'm worried about you joining our family or because I am nervous at all about being your mom, I'm nervous that this can't be real and that we will lose one or both of you! At this point in time, I don't even know if there is one or both of you in there, but I for sure know something has happened!
Earlier this week I took a test to see if you would be joining our family on this side of heaven, and it was negative. I would be lying to say that I wasn't heartbroken and questioned everything about life. It was probably the hardest day of work and life I have had in a very long long time. But put on a happy face and pretend you are ok has always been the way I handle things. I tried to move on with the day and just function as best I could. My head told me that it was probably just too early and you were still getting snuggling in and getting warm, but it didn't take away the hurt in my heart. I don't think I can ever describe how much I already love you and how much you both mean to me. So the thought of only having a few days with you and then you both being gone seemed overwhelming.
BUT then 2 days later I took another test and as I was going to throw it away because it looked negative again, I realized that there was a faint line!! I had to look again and again and under many different lights but there it was! I almost missed it! Two perfect Lines, two lines that indicated that one or both of you are still with us! Two perfect lines that indicated that this hope and dream and prayer might be coming true. Two perfect lines.
I was so excited that I had to tell your dad. I had all these grand ideas about how I was going to surprise him with some elaborate thing, but I was just too excited to tell him about you guys and just couldn't wait. So I set out a cloth diaper, a onesie that I have had forever (by the way, only after the fact did I realize the grammar is wrong-oh well!!!!!), and the test.
Your dad is, how shall I say this, not all together there in the morning. He came downstairs to our room, and proceeded to finish getting dressed. Mind you, he had to open drawers in the dresser that I had set all of the stuff on. And he missed it! I slowly felt like I was going to explode waiting for him to see what I had left out. And then as he went to turn back around because he realized he forgot his wallet, he saw it. He saw the test and he saw the two perfect lines. The look on your dad's face is something I will never forget. A look of pure joy and also disbelief. And all he said was, "is this real?" He examined it under the lights and was in as much shock as I was. We were so excited to know that our family might be growing!
It was very hard for me to believe the one test, because I have had one test before. So later that day, I went to the store and bought a bunch of more pregnancy test. And that day and the days following I took tons of pregnancy tests and they all said the same thing… Two perfect lines or the words "pregnant".
The tests later that day
And for the next few days!!!
We are still in complete disbelief, but here you are or here you both are. We have no idea at this point but we do know that at least one of you is still with us and we pray that it is both of you. So hello to you little ones, and I continue to say, stick and grow bag.
I may have downloaded all the apps that my phone could have that would tell me all about our time together and this pregnancy. According to the app, you are currently the size of a poppyseed. So minute and so tiny and to think that you have all the DNA you need to become a fully grown human. It is truly an amazing miracle of God! It says that your job is just to attach and grow, so I again I say, stick babies stick and grow!!!!
Life feels like a dream right now, but it if it is just a dream, I never want to wake up. I love you both so much and I am looking forward to seeing if there are two little ones with us and what the future hold.
Love you,
Mommy
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