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Monday, April 18, 2016

Sometimes the Answer to Prayers is No

Hello to all of you family and friends and loved ones and supporters and random lurkers who found my blog and anyone else who doesn't fit in the one of these categories! It almost national infertility awareness week and anybody who knows me knows that this is pretty big stuff in our life. Like it has been our life for 31 months and counting! I figured It is time for an update since it has been a while since my last blog!

I wish the news was better, but this isn't a fairy tale and not everyone gets a happy ending/the ending they hope for. Jeff and I completed three rounds of a treatment that was pretty aggressive, worked like clockwork, except we still are not pregnant. Whomp whomp. I would be lying if I said that we did not take the last negative pregnancy test pretty hard.  This last week has been a time for reflection and questioning. We found out that our last treatment didn't work about 10 days ago. It was a very solemn Saturday and we kind of just hunkered down and hide away. And then on Sunday, I went to the one place I knew I'd find comfort for my heart, church. I went there because I knew I could tell God that I was mad and angry at him and I don't like his plan, and I knew that he would hold me in the palm of his hand and let me be mad. If I am honest, I am mad at God, and Science, and my body, and my husband's body, and the world, and just about everything else. I also know that God has a plan is greater than mine and it's not for me to understand, but I would be lying if I said that makes it any easier to accept. I knew that I would find comfort and solace and peace with him. I wish that I could say it was an instant peaceful reaction, but human emotions are exactly that, human. I'm so glad that God is bigger than my emotions and that my heart could just yell and tell him I thought his plan was wrong and unfair. But God is till God and God is still Good. Job teaches us this lesson. 


We are also so lucky to be surrounded by people who care about us very much and are great supporters. Shout out to my friends that I've met in real life and my friends that I know from the online groups. I may never meet some of you ladies in real life, but know that you have a special place in my heart and I love you all the same! And thank you to family and friends who have sent us messages, called, and sent letters and cards letting us know you think of us. We cherish each of these. 




Over the course the next couple of days I really started to wonder if God still had my number or remembered me. I was feeling alone and in a really dark place. Last Thursday night, I even told Jeff that I wasn't sure God knew who I was anymore. Because humans doubt things they don't understand and can't control. And maybe just maybe, God don't care about us and decided we didn't have a place in his plan. But God works in mysterious ways and he always answers our prayers. Even if the answer is no or not how you want. 



Friday morning I received a text from a very dear sweet friend. She told me about a sweet baby girl, who I will call Baby A. Baby A was born with a tough road ahead due to brain damage found at birth and may potentially be looking for a mommy and daddy. Jeff and I immediately knew that we wanted to be part of her life. While it is still unclear whether she may become physically part of our lives, I feel like God placed her in our lives at that precise moment to just let us know that he does have our number and we are still his children. So for right now, we are prayer warriors for baby A. I know that God has great plans for her and that she has already changed our lives. So if you have room on your prayer list, please add baby A to your prayer list. Pray for miraculous recovery and healing, her biological family who is facing tough choices, and that God's will be made clear for everyone involved! I know God is answering prayers for this sweet child, I just don't know the answers. Waiting for answers. 


We also had to make a tough choice of whether or not we are going to pursue IVF. Financially speaking, I honestly don't know if it is in our grasp. It's a very expensive procedure and an emotional roller coaster. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am logical and rational and do not like big risks when it comes to money. And this risk is huge! Obviously the reward is so much greater, but the odds have rarely been in our favor so I have significant worry. That being said, we are trusting God to guide this path. If we are meant to pursue IVF, we believe he will make a way for us. If not, we are ready to accept that he will shut that door. Right now we are just waiting to see what he does with the door. Waiting again. 



The other option that we feel like God might be telling us, is that maybe we are not meant to have biological children. Maybe he has a different plan and that is not our calling. Jeff and I do not believe that this is the long-term plan, but maybe the right now plan. We believe that whatever plan God is calling us to, it will be made clear. But again, waiting for God to speak to us. This would be the toughest answer to our prayers to hear, but just because God doesn't give you the answer you want, doesn't mean that he didn't answer your prayer.



So that is the update for us right now. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As of right now, we are not set on any path. We are waiting to see what is revealed to us. We are relying on a higher power who has always blessed us and helped us find our way. We are waiting on a God who is greater than us to reveal his plan for us. Right now we are just excepting that God's answer is not now or potentially no. Like I said, not everyone gets the ending they hoped for, but everyone gets an answer. So for today, our answer is no to biological children. But we are hopeful that answer changes.