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Saturday, October 3, 2015

Sometimes Things Just Don't Work Out

A couple of weeks ago we experienced the best and worst week I feel like I've ever experienced in my life. In mid-September, Jeff and I got to experience what it was like to take a pregnancy test and see two lines pop up for the first time in our lives. After 23 months of trying-I was pregnant! We got to celebrate being parents, dream about the future, and share our excitement with a couple of close friends. We started planning how we would tell our family and what the future would look like. 

Unfortunately this little bean was not meant to be long on this earth. I went in for a blood test and the numbers were low. The nurse told me that it could work out, but I know how to work Google, and I started preparing myself for the worst. To take our minds off of the limbo we were in and the uncertainty, we chose to go back home to MN for the weekend. That way our little bean would be surrounded by family and friends for as long as he or she was on this earth. 

The following Monday, I went for another blood test. We received the news that the numbers were going down and we would lose this bean. To say we were devastated would be an understatement. It felt like the slowest, worst day of my life. My heart was broken into a million pieces. I have never love something more and I would not even get to meet him or her. 

I'm not sure how other people cope with sadness and loss, but I cope by writing and working. I threw myself into my job and worked harder than I think I ever have over these last few weeks. I worked long hours to avoid going home and to try and occupy my mind.  I also sat down to write this blog. Honestly, I was not sure I would ever even share this. Writing for me is healing, but I wasn't sure if this part of the journey we wanted to share with everybody. But after long talks with Jeff, we decided that this too is part of our journey to a family and we wanted to share this as well.

It may sound weird to people who don't believe in God, but Jeff and I are grateful to God even in this dark time. We believe that life starts a conception and that this bean is someone. I really hope this doesn't stir up to a debate about when life begins, when a person gets a soul, or what constitutes a person. To us, this was a child, a dream, and 100% a person. 

God has allowed us to be a mom and a dad. Unfortunately, we just don't get to know this little bean until we get to heaven. But we will forever be someone's mom and dad. It's extremely difficult to think that there will always be a child waiting for us in heaven, one who we love with our entire hearts, and yet have never met. We are truly grateful that we got to know the joy of pregnancy, even if it was only for a short time. 

That being said, we are also struggling with being angry and bitter at the universe. It's amazing how many things can happen that just seem like the world is against you when you're already down. I don't want to dwell on all the things that have seem to hit us lately, we just ask that people can pray for us to walk with Grace and to be able to remember the good part of this time. We ask that people could pray for healing, anger to leave, and bitterness to not consume. Neither of us want to be overcome with anger, bitterness, and grief, and so we are reaching out to family and friends for prayer.

At this point, we're not sure what the future holds. We will probably start trying again in the future, I just don't know when. I also don't know exactly what it will look like. We need to decide if we will use the treatments we've been trying or go straight to IVF. For now we're just going to heal our hearts and work on being two people who are still madly in love and forever an angel baby's mom and dad. 

I took the time to write our little bean a message while he or she was still with us. I want to share the message here, because it is also a part of our journey. So with that I will end with my short little message to my sweet little bean.
 
Dear Baby Bean, I know I only get to hold you in my tummy for a a very short time, but I want you to know how very much you are loved. You have been prayed for by so many people and loved by more than most can dream of. You will forever be our baby bean and know that mom and dad are waiting for the day we get to meet you.  I want you to know that there are people in heaven who are waiting for you. There are family members and loved ones who will take care of you. You have a heavenly father whose arms are wide open. Even though I am hurting and struggling because I never get to see your face here at Earth, I look forward to the day I see it in heaven. We love you baby bean and we will see your sweet face someday.  Love you to the moon and to the back little bean.  Love always,  Your mom