Week 7
Hello my precious little one,
It feels so weird to write that. This week has been one of the happiest moments, if not the happiest moment, of my life and yet also filled with sadness. On Wednesday, we had our follow up ultrasound and at first the tech was looking around getting all of her measurements and not saying much of anything to us. I was sure that it was bad news and she just didn't want to say anything yet. I had already resigned myself to this not working and I know how to handle those feelings. I was already thinking about who I would have to tell and how I would handle the sadness and life. But then something remarkable happen, she moved the probe over and showed us your little body and a very rapidly beating heart! Your heart was beating at about 132-136 beats per minute. It was beating!!!! It was a sight that I could not even comprehend and I just started crying. So many happy tears and so much joy. Your dad recognized your heart right away, that little flicker of life, and knew exactly what was going on. They had to point it out to me, I think mostly because I was in such disbelief. But there it was beating away!
But then the realization hit, there is only one baby in there. We lost your sibling. There is a good chance that they never implanted and never started growing. It is a weird spot to be in, 100% joy over having you, but still sadness over not having your sibling. And it's hard to even describe to somebody else, because others just think that we should be happy for the one we have. Do not get me wrong my little one, we are so over the moon excited for you but we also grieve for the loss of your sibling. We know that there will be an angel baby waiting for us in heaven with our other angel baby, but it is still hard to comprehend. We love you both so much and to know one of you is gone is a sadness and heartache, even with so much joy and happiness.
Your dad and I just watched the screen for as long as they would let us. Tears rolling down my face and so overcome with emotion. Your dad wanted to record your US and that little heartbeat, but the office does not allow it. So for now, we have pictures of you and a memory that will stay with us forever. But then I was also struck with complete anxiety. Here you are, my little one, with a beating heart and developing body, and so much more at stake. I wish I could say that I felt at ease with seeing your little heart, but life is a tough reality and there is still a lot of worry in my mind. I just keep praying to God that you are meant to be a rainbow baby and that we get to bring you home. I keep praying to God and trusting in his plan and just knowing that he is good and all works out for good.
According to the app this week, you are starting to grow arms and legs We did not see these arms and legs yet on the ultrasound, but we did see your body! It looked like you were shaped as a Caterpillar in a cocoon, and so we gave you the nickname Bug. From here on out, you will be our little Bug and we are so excited. I know I keep saying it over and over again, but excited and thrilled and joyful and overwhelmed just can't even begin to describe what we are feeling for you. We can't wait to watch you grow and see all the things that happen over the coming months! The app says that you are about the size of a blueberry or a Lego and are about 1/2 an inch long. So thank you for listening to mommy and continuing to grow!
Your dad made this cool little picture for us to keep our size items on and I look at it daily. Hi little Bug!
We love you little bug and please stick around and be a rainbow baby.
Love,
Mommy
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