Sometimes the Answer to Prayers is No

Hello to all of you family and friends and loved ones and supporters and random lurkers who found my blog and anyone else who doesn't fit in the one of these categories! It almost national infertility awareness week and anybody who knows me knows that this is pretty big stuff in our life. Like it has been our life for 31 months and counting! I figured It is time for an update since it has been a while since my last blog!

I wish the news was better, but this isn't a fairy tale and not everyone gets a happy ending/the ending they hope for. Jeff and I completed three rounds of a treatment that was pretty aggressive, worked like clockwork, except we still are not pregnant. Whomp whomp. I would be lying if I said that we did not take the last negative pregnancy test pretty hard.  This last week has been a time for reflection and questioning. We found out that our last treatment didn't work about 10 days ago. It was a very solemn Saturday and we kind of just hunkered down and hide away. And then on Sunday, I went to the one place I knew I'd find comfort for my heart, church. I went there because I knew I could tell God that I was mad and angry at him and I don't like his plan, and I knew that he would hold me in the palm of his hand and let me be mad. If I am honest, I am mad at God, and Science, and my body, and my husband's body, and the world, and just about everything else. I also know that God has a plan is greater than mine and it's not for me to understand, but I would be lying if I said that makes it any easier to accept. I knew that I would find comfort and solace and peace with him. I wish that I could say it was an instant peaceful reaction, but human emotions are exactly that, human. I'm so glad that God is bigger than my emotions and that my heart could just yell and tell him I thought his plan was wrong and unfair. But God is till God and God is still Good. Job teaches us this lesson. 

We are also so lucky to be surrounded by people who care about us very much and are great supporters. Shout out to my friends that I've met in real life and my friends that I know from the online groups. I may never meet some of you ladies in real life, but know that you have a special place in my heart and I love you all the same! And thank you to family and friends who have sent us messages, called, and sent letters and cards letting us know you think of us. We cherish each of these. 

Over the course the next couple of days I really started to wonder if God still had my number or remembered me. I was feeling alone and in a really dark place. Last Thursday night, I even told Jeff that I wasn't sure God knew who I was anymore. Because humans doubt things they don't understand and can't control. And maybe just maybe, God don't care about us and decided we didn't have a place in his plan. But God works in mysterious ways and he always answers our prayers. Even if the answer is no or not how you want. 

Friday morning I received a text from a very dear sweet friend. She told me about a sweet baby girl, who I will call Baby A. Baby A was born with a tough road ahead due to brain damage found at birth and may potentially be looking for a mommy and daddy. Jeff and I immediately knew that we wanted to be part of her life. While it is still unclear whether she may become physically part of our lives, I feel like God placed her in our lives at that precise moment to just let us know that he does have our number and we are still his children. So for right now, we are prayer warriors for baby A. I know that God has great plans for her and that she has already changed our lives. So if you have room on your prayer list, please add baby A to your prayer list. Pray for miraculous recovery and healing, her biological family who is facing tough choices, and that God's will be made clear for everyone involved! I know God is answering prayers for this sweet child, I just don't know the answers. Waiting for answers. 

We also had to make a tough choice of whether or not we are going to pursue IVF. Financially speaking, I honestly don't know if it is in our grasp. It's a very expensive procedure and an emotional roller coaster. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am logical and rational and do not like big risks when it comes to money. And this risk is huge! Obviously the reward is so much greater, but the odds have rarely been in our favor so I have significant worry. That being said, we are trusting God to guide this path. If we are meant to pursue IVF, we believe he will make a way for us. If not, we are ready to accept that he will shut that door. Right now we are just waiting to see what he does with the door. Waiting again. 

The other option that we feel like God might be telling us, is that maybe we are not meant to have biological children. Maybe he has a different plan and that is not our calling. Jeff and I do not believe that this is the long-term plan, but maybe the right now plan. We believe that whatever plan God is calling us to, it will be made clear. But again, waiting for God to speak to us. This would be the toughest answer to our prayers to hear, but just because God doesn't give you the answer you want, doesn't mean that he didn't answer your prayer.

So that is the update for us right now. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As of right now, we are not set on any path. We are waiting to see what is revealed to us. We are relying on a higher power who has always blessed us and helped us find our way. We are waiting on a God who is greater than us to reveal his plan for us. Right now we are just excepting that God's answer is not now or potentially no. Like I said, not everyone gets the ending they hoped for, but everyone gets an answer. So for today, our answer is no to biological children. But we are hopeful that answer changes. 

Update and Moving Ahead!!!

Hey Readers, remember me? You know, the girl who sort of blogged before and then disappeared off the face of the earth. I am back and it looks like 2016 could be our year! There have been lots of updates, vents, and stuff happening over the last couple of months so come along for the ride!

 

So the last chapter of this story took place right after we suffered a loss in September. Jeff and I decided to regroup, take some time away from trying to get pregnant, and heal. I threw myself into my work; I social worked the heck out of every case possible. I thought about the cases even when at home and never really let my brain “turn off work” because then it had to deal with the pain and I just wasn’t able to do that.

 

It didn’t help that we had a completely terrible doctor during the loss who was super insensitive and is now referred to as Dr. Jerk. When he called to tell us the next steps, he said he “never expected the pregnancy to work because the numbers were so low and this didn’t surprise him”. He also told us we were out of options and then only thing that would work would be IVF and he would no longer treat us until we were ready to go there. We were no longer ready for IVF just yet because this course of treatment did work, it just was not meant to be. Don’t take away baby bean’s existence!   

 

That led to a downward spiral for me into what I can only describe as a loss of purpose in life and depression. I spent way too many “happy hours” at the local “establishment” (also known as the bar), dealing with the sadness in an unproductive way but at least surrounded by friends. I was not sure where to go or how and so I just felt hopeless and stuck. And really really alone even in a crowd of people. It was probably one of the darkest times in my life and a time when I felt abandoned, even by God. I knew life would go on, I just didn't know how and I wasn't sure I wanted it too. I also knew there must be a plan or bigger purpose and so after a few weeks (which felt like years), I picked myself up (well lets be honest-my amazing friends lifted me up) and I decided this would not be the end of this journey. I allowed God into my life again and we figured out our next steps. 

Fast forward to November and we decided to see a different RE (fertility doctor). We made an appointment and decided to see if the opinions would change. And they did! This doctor had a whole different feel. He spent over an hour with us (more time than the other one did in the whole year we were with him) and he told us he thought there was hope and a lot of it. He also told us that he didn’t believe the blocked tube was blocked or at least he thought it could be potentially unblocked. So we chose to pursue a laparoscopic surgery to see what was what. The day before thanksgiving, I had surgery. No turkey for me on Thanksgiving, just vicodin, fluids, and sleep!  This surgery had the potential to

 And it did!

During the surgery it was determined that both of my tubes were basically useless. One tube was blocked (as we had thought it may be) and one was stuck with adhesions. Both of these issues were caused from scar tissue from a botched appendix surgery performed when I was serving in Iraq. The army is just full of gifts that keep on giving.

Are you wondering what these findings mean? Don’t worry-I got you and refer to the picture above if you are a visual learner. Basic anatomy lesson-most women have two fallopian tubes that just kind of float and hang out in space. When an egg is released each month from the ovaries, the tube from that side floats over to the egg, sucks it in (think vacuum hose) and the egg floats down the tube. If sperm are swimming up the tube at the same time-they could met and boom-baby. If not, the egg just floats down and 24 hours after it is released it dies. But my tubes each had an issue. Lefty was stuck-no free floating for that tube. So the egg just kind of dropped into oblivion except the .000001% chance it fell off into the tube (how we got baby bean). Righty was blocked-no ability for egg to meet sperm-no chance for a baby.

 

Long story short-NO WORKING TUBES SO BASICALLY NO CHANCE TO GET PREGNANT IN THE LAST 2+ YEARS!!!! Another great thing Dr. Jerk missed. But our new Doctor was able to fix the problem!!! I now have two shiny and clean tubes!!! So now we have a new treatment plan and a new chance to get pregnant. There is still a potential that after 6 or 9 months, the tube could re-block but we will at least always have one working tube for future babies! Life holds new potentials and new possibilities and we are ready to take 2016 by storm. Hopefully this 26 month and counting journey to get pregnant will end soon with a successful pregnancy and our