Letters to Our Little Ones-Week 6

Week 6

Hello and good morning my sweet little ones!


We got to have an ultrasound on Wednesday and we saw one little yolk sac and maybe just maybe one more. More blood draws this week showed betas still raising and the levels on Wednesday were 1272 and Friday was 2170. So for sure I know that one of you is in there, but I don't know about the other one. Even with the relief, anxiety is still very high for me. I just keep thinking that every single day I am going to lose you. I really hope this feeling goes away soon, because I just want to have happy and excited and joyful and loving feelings. It is been so long that we have been waiting for you, that it is scary to think you are here. It causes such mixed emotions for me. I am so incredibly happy and overjoyed to know that there is at least one of you in there, but it causes me tremendous heart ache and sadness to know that we May have already lost one of you. You are both so very very very loved and I can't even begin to explain it to anybody else. It is not that I am not grateful to at least have one of you, but I love you both so much. We have another ultrasound coming up this week and we will see what is happening then! Until then, I am holding out hope that you are both still tucked in there and one of you is just hiding.

This weekend was also a giant milestone, we decided to tell your grandparents and aunt and uncles about you! Everyone is so over the moon excited. We gave each set of grandparents a onsie that says "Worth the Wait" and has an elephant on it. There were a lot of tears shed and your family is so excited to know more about you and learn everything about you. Many people may wonder why we told the people so soon, because most wait a while longer.  But you are real and you are here and we want people to know. God has given us you and we want to cherish and celebrate every single moment. We are praising God and celebrating his goodness and know he watches over you and protects you both already. Whatever comes in the future, your family knows and loves you now as much as we do!

According to the apps, you are now the size of an sweet pea or a chocolate chip!  You have grown tremendously over this last week! From a poppy seed to a Chocolate Chip in 2 weeks is quite huge. Your dad and I have started a little collection of the items they say you are at each stage. We get very excited every Sunday to read the new developments and see what is going on each week!!! Every Sunday morning, we wake up, go to church, and then read all about you. It is exciting to see all of the amazing things you are doing and totally makes us know that God is good and he is great and only God could orchestrate such a fantastic being in such a tiny little place.



                     2 weeks of Growth-From a Poppy Seed to an Apple Seed to a Chocolate Chip!!!! 

This week it says that your nose, mouth, and ears are starting to develop but that they may be an odd places for a bit. It also says that your little heart is going to start beating and we may be able to see and hear that on the ultrasound! You got some big jobs ahead my little ones, time to grow all of those body parts that you will need in just a few months. It says you are somewhere between a fifth to a quarter of an inch big. Still so tiny and small, but forming organs and body parts!

We love you both so much, and are looking forward to our next ultrasound of you and hopefully seeing those beating little hearts!

Love,
mommy

Letters to our little ones-Week 5

10/9/2016
Week five-


Hello my sweet little ones! It has been quite a week! On Monday I went in for a blood draw and I got the call that I never thought I would get to hear, the nurse just said "Congratulations, you are pregnant!" She told me that our number is 87, which is a little lower than they would like, but you are definitely there! I went back for a repeat draw on Wednesday, and the number was 160. Not quite doubling, but good enough that the doctor said we didn't need to do another test. The anxiety and worry and fear of that second number is something I can't even describe. I was so afraid to know that you were here and then that we could lose you. But you are still here!


I don't feel like it has really sunk in, and I have said it before and will probably continue to say it, but it all feels like a dream. You have a due date, June 11, 2017! Even the medical community recognizes you as a real something!!!! We have an ultrasound scheduled for this coming week and I cannot wait for it. We are just so excited for you little ones to be part of our life, and to know if there is one or two of you!

According to the app you have done some great growing this week! You are now the size of an apple seed and not even an ounce yet. It says that your cells are splitting and dividing and have already started forming different parts of your body like your brain and spine and also separating into what will become the placenta! It is all totally amazing to me that so much is happening and something the size of an apple seed!!! I hope that you continue to grow and get comfy and that God's plan is for you to stay in it for the long run, because that is definitely our plan!

                       Your size compared to a quarter!!!! So much happening in that little Apple seed body! 

Your dad and I have started trying to figure out how we are going to tell the world, but we won't be doing that for a while. We love just knowing that it's our little secret and nobody else knows! But soon we will start to share with family and friends, because we want everybody to have the joy of loving you. We also want everybody to know that God is good, he is to be trusted and depended on and will never forsake.

So keep growing my little ones, and know that you are loved beyond life itself.

Love,
Mommy

Letters to Our Little Ones-Week 4-Testing Week!!!

Week 4-10/2/2016

Dear little ones,

I can't even believe I am writing a week four letter. I am still in such shock and disbelief that we are here and that it looks like something may have worked! Shock and disbelief don't even begin to cover the feelings that I'm having right now but add in anxiety and excitement and overwhelming joy and paralyzing fear and I think it becomes more apparent to how I'm feeling. Not because I'm worried about you joining our family or because I am nervous at all about being your mom, I'm nervous that this can't be real and that we will lose one or both of you! At this point in time, I don't even know if there is one or both of you in there, but I for sure know something has happened!

Earlier this week I took a test to see if you would be joining our family on this side of heaven, and it was negative. I would be lying to say that I wasn't heartbroken and questioned everything about life. It was probably the hardest day of work and life I have had in a very long long time. But put on a happy face and pretend you are ok has always been the way I handle things. I tried to move on with the day and just function as best I could. My head told me that it was probably just too early and you were still getting snuggling in and getting warm, but it didn't take away the hurt in my heart. I don't think I can ever describe how much I already love you and how much you both mean to me. So the thought of only having a few days with you and then you both being gone seemed overwhelming.

BUT then 2 days later I took another test and as I was going to throw it away because it looked negative again, I realized that there was a faint line!! I had to look again and again and under many different lights but there it was! I almost missed it! Two perfect Lines, two lines that indicated that one or both of you are still with us! Two perfect lines that indicated that this hope and dream and prayer might be coming true. Two perfect lines. 

I was so excited that I had to tell your dad.  I had all these grand ideas about how I was going to surprise him with some elaborate thing, but I was just too excited to tell him about you guys and just couldn't wait. So I set out a cloth diaper, a onesie that I have had forever (by the way, only after the fact did I realize the grammar is wrong-oh well!!!!!), and the test.

Your dad is, how shall I say this, not all together there in the morning. He came downstairs to our room, and proceeded to finish getting dressed. Mind you, he had to open drawers in the dresser that I had set all of the stuff on. And he missed it! I slowly felt like I was going to explode waiting for him to see what I had left out. And then as he went to turn back around because he realized he forgot his wallet, he saw it. He saw the test and he saw the two perfect lines. The look on your dad's face is something I will never forget. A look of pure joy and also disbelief. And all he said was, "is this real?" He examined it under the lights and was in as much shock as I was. We were so excited to know that our family might be growing!

It was very hard for me to believe the one test, because I have had one test before. So later that day, I went to the store and bought a bunch of more pregnancy test. And that day and the days following I took tons of pregnancy tests and they all said the same thing… Two perfect lines or the words "pregnant". 

                                                        The tests later that day

                                       And for the next few days!!! 

We are still in complete disbelief, but here you are or here you both are. We have no idea at this point but we do know that at least one of you is still with us and we pray that it is both of you. So hello to you little ones, and I continue to say, stick and grow bag.

I may have downloaded all the apps that my phone could have that would tell me all about our time together and this pregnancy. According to the app, you are currently the size of a poppyseed. So minute and so tiny and to think that you have all the DNA you need to become a fully grown human. It is truly an amazing miracle of God! It says that your job is just to attach and grow, so I again I say, stick babies stick and grow!!!!

Life feels like a dream right now, but it if it is just a dream, I never want to wake up. I love you both so much and I am looking forward to seeing if there are two little ones with us and what the future hold.

Love you,

Mommy

Letters to Our Little Ones-Week 3

Week Three-9/25/2016

Good morning my sweet darling babies!!! 

Today is a day that I never thought I would see and yet it all feels like a dream like world for me. Two days ago, you were officially put into my tummy and our family has grown by two!!!! I can't even begin to describe the feelings that are taking place right now. Just about every feeling in the book is taking place right now, from excitement to anxiety to worry to pure happiness. At this point in time, nothing else matters because our little family is here.

On Friday morning, after a night where we could barely sleep, we received the news that you both survived the thaw. There could be no better news than that! We got to the hospital early and we waited and waited and waited for our time to be with you. The time came, they wheeled you in in your first little incubators that were keeping you warm and cozy and the transfer happened without flaw. And then we got to take you home with us. Well we got to take you back to the hotel, we fly home today. You are only seven days from conception and will have your first plane ride! 

The doctor gave us pictures of you, and they are your first pictures! Infertility takes away a lot of happiness and joy, and nobody wishes for the need to use science. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I am a little happy to have gone through this process just to have these first pictures of you! Not very many mommies and daddies out there have pictures of their children from literally the day you were conceived.

                               

                                  Our first pictures of you sweet Little Ones

Alright my sweet babies, you have one job for now, to attach and implant. We so want to continue our family with both of you here on Earth and I just pray every day for each of you that you will have extra stickiness and stay in our family on this Earth. I guess I can say that I have officially started the "mommy worry". So grow my little ones grow and find a nice comfy spot to attached to. Know that mommy loves you and daddy loves you and you are so very loved by everybody. You are a direct gift from God and we could not be happier than we are at this point.

                          Your first ultrasound-you are all tucked in Mommy's tummy! Get Comfy!! 

Stick babies stick!!!!

We love you both!

Love, Mommy and Daddy 

Letters to Our Little Ones-Week 2

Week 2-9/18/2016

Good morning sweet little ones!

I can't even begin to tell you the excitement that has filled our house this week. In just a few short days we will be traveling to meet you! It seems like such a surreal dream at this point and at the same time still so far away. The days are dragging on because we are so excited and yet it feels like they're flying by. In just a few short days, we will board a plane to Indiana and soon be so close to you!

I am here still taking medications and doing everything I need to to make sure that my body is ready to meet you guys! Your dad is busy worrying about the future, which is something he likes to do. You will get used to that! You both have so many people praying for you and hoping for you and already loving you and you're still just microscopic!

I have to admit little ones, I have a fear and anxiety every single day at that I'm going to get a call and they are going to say that you are no longer with us and did not survive the thaw process. You are perfect little snowflakes right now and just waiting for your chance to grow big and strong, but the fear is still there in the back of my mind. I know that it is a silly fear, because I know that God is in control. But the fear is there nonetheless. I just want you both to know that you are so very loved and your dad and I are literally counting down the minutes and seconds till we get to meet you. Friday seems so very far away, but in the grand scheme of things, it is just around the corner. We have been waiting for 3 years to meet you and yet I feel like I cannot possibly wait 5 more days. Not much more to say today, because I don't think there any more words to describe our excitement and nervousness. We love you both already and we will see you in just a few days!

Love, 

Mommy

These have been our life verses during this journey sweet Little Ones and I want to give it to you. Always trust that God has plans for you and that you can trust him .

Sometimes Life Changes-Letters to Our Little Ones-Week 1

Just when you think life is what you have accepted, God has an interesting plan up his sleeve. Through many gifts, prayers, and savings, we have been given another shot! This time is a bit different, as we have been able to utilize IVF techniques and science to help grow our family. We have frozen embryos waiting for us and are excited to see if the answer to our prayers has changed. Since we fully believe that these little souls are already our children and have exactly that-souls already, I have decided to write letters to our future little one(s). Regardless of the oucome, whether I write 3 letters or 43, these little ones our already our children and so very loved. Follow along on the next chapter of Journey to Cutie Pie Humphrey!!!


Week one-9/1/2016

Hello future little ones,

This is your mom, it's so weird to say that. We are starting this journey together to hopefully our future family. I have never written letters before the start of a cycle, because I never knew how the cycle would go. And I have no idea how our journey will go, but what I do know, is you two are already precious to us and we can't wait to bring you into our family.

This week has been filled with different medications and things to get my body ready for you to be put inside and hopefully stay there for the next nine months! Your dad and I are so hopeful for you both and have already started planning futures for you both but I won't lie, I am also afraid that we won't get to know you until Heaven either. This cycle, as has this journey been, a complete reliance on God.

We are counting down the days until we get to see you and have just purchased our plane tickets! We are so so very excited for this next step and cannot wait until we are together! You are our little Frosty's and soon you will be part of our family officially! It is just so crazy to think of how far we have come and how close we are to meeting you!

So for now, I will just continue to take all the different medications every day and know that every single time I take something, it is making my body perfect for you! We love you already little ones and we will meet soon!

Love,

 Mommy

Our daily med schedule: 

Sometimes the Answer to Prayers is No

Hello to all of you family and friends and loved ones and supporters and random lurkers who found my blog and anyone else who doesn't fit in the one of these categories! It almost national infertility awareness week and anybody who knows me knows that this is pretty big stuff in our life. Like it has been our life for 31 months and counting! I figured It is time for an update since it has been a while since my last blog!

I wish the news was better, but this isn't a fairy tale and not everyone gets a happy ending/the ending they hope for. Jeff and I completed three rounds of a treatment that was pretty aggressive, worked like clockwork, except we still are not pregnant. Whomp whomp. I would be lying if I said that we did not take the last negative pregnancy test pretty hard.  This last week has been a time for reflection and questioning. We found out that our last treatment didn't work about 10 days ago. It was a very solemn Saturday and we kind of just hunkered down and hide away. And then on Sunday, I went to the one place I knew I'd find comfort for my heart, church. I went there because I knew I could tell God that I was mad and angry at him and I don't like his plan, and I knew that he would hold me in the palm of his hand and let me be mad. If I am honest, I am mad at God, and Science, and my body, and my husband's body, and the world, and just about everything else. I also know that God has a plan is greater than mine and it's not for me to understand, but I would be lying if I said that makes it any easier to accept. I knew that I would find comfort and solace and peace with him. I wish that I could say it was an instant peaceful reaction, but human emotions are exactly that, human. I'm so glad that God is bigger than my emotions and that my heart could just yell and tell him I thought his plan was wrong and unfair. But God is till God and God is still Good. Job teaches us this lesson. 

We are also so lucky to be surrounded by people who care about us very much and are great supporters. Shout out to my friends that I've met in real life and my friends that I know from the online groups. I may never meet some of you ladies in real life, but know that you have a special place in my heart and I love you all the same! And thank you to family and friends who have sent us messages, called, and sent letters and cards letting us know you think of us. We cherish each of these. 

Over the course the next couple of days I really started to wonder if God still had my number or remembered me. I was feeling alone and in a really dark place. Last Thursday night, I even told Jeff that I wasn't sure God knew who I was anymore. Because humans doubt things they don't understand and can't control. And maybe just maybe, God don't care about us and decided we didn't have a place in his plan. But God works in mysterious ways and he always answers our prayers. Even if the answer is no or not how you want. 

Friday morning I received a text from a very dear sweet friend. She told me about a sweet baby girl, who I will call Baby A. Baby A was born with a tough road ahead due to brain damage found at birth and may potentially be looking for a mommy and daddy. Jeff and I immediately knew that we wanted to be part of her life. While it is still unclear whether she may become physically part of our lives, I feel like God placed her in our lives at that precise moment to just let us know that he does have our number and we are still his children. So for right now, we are prayer warriors for baby A. I know that God has great plans for her and that she has already changed our lives. So if you have room on your prayer list, please add baby A to your prayer list. Pray for miraculous recovery and healing, her biological family who is facing tough choices, and that God's will be made clear for everyone involved! I know God is answering prayers for this sweet child, I just don't know the answers. Waiting for answers. 

We also had to make a tough choice of whether or not we are going to pursue IVF. Financially speaking, I honestly don't know if it is in our grasp. It's a very expensive procedure and an emotional roller coaster. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am logical and rational and do not like big risks when it comes to money. And this risk is huge! Obviously the reward is so much greater, but the odds have rarely been in our favor so I have significant worry. That being said, we are trusting God to guide this path. If we are meant to pursue IVF, we believe he will make a way for us. If not, we are ready to accept that he will shut that door. Right now we are just waiting to see what he does with the door. Waiting again. 

The other option that we feel like God might be telling us, is that maybe we are not meant to have biological children. Maybe he has a different plan and that is not our calling. Jeff and I do not believe that this is the long-term plan, but maybe the right now plan. We believe that whatever plan God is calling us to, it will be made clear. But again, waiting for God to speak to us. This would be the toughest answer to our prayers to hear, but just because God doesn't give you the answer you want, doesn't mean that he didn't answer your prayer.

So that is the update for us right now. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As of right now, we are not set on any path. We are waiting to see what is revealed to us. We are relying on a higher power who has always blessed us and helped us find our way. We are waiting on a God who is greater than us to reveal his plan for us. Right now we are just excepting that God's answer is not now or potentially no. Like I said, not everyone gets the ending they hoped for, but everyone gets an answer. So for today, our answer is no to biological children. But we are hopeful that answer changes.