Sometimes the Answer to Prayers is No

Hello to all of you family and friends and loved ones and supporters and random lurkers who found my blog and anyone else who doesn't fit in the one of these categories! It almost national infertility awareness week and anybody who knows me knows that this is pretty big stuff in our life. Like it has been our life for 31 months and counting! I figured It is time for an update since it has been a while since my last blog!

I wish the news was better, but this isn't a fairy tale and not everyone gets a happy ending/the ending they hope for. Jeff and I completed three rounds of a treatment that was pretty aggressive, worked like clockwork, except we still are not pregnant. Whomp whomp. I would be lying if I said that we did not take the last negative pregnancy test pretty hard.  This last week has been a time for reflection and questioning. We found out that our last treatment didn't work about 10 days ago. It was a very solemn Saturday and we kind of just hunkered down and hide away. And then on Sunday, I went to the one place I knew I'd find comfort for my heart, church. I went there because I knew I could tell God that I was mad and angry at him and I don't like his plan, and I knew that he would hold me in the palm of his hand and let me be mad. If I am honest, I am mad at God, and Science, and my body, and my husband's body, and the world, and just about everything else. I also know that God has a plan is greater than mine and it's not for me to understand, but I would be lying if I said that makes it any easier to accept. I knew that I would find comfort and solace and peace with him. I wish that I could say it was an instant peaceful reaction, but human emotions are exactly that, human. I'm so glad that God is bigger than my emotions and that my heart could just yell and tell him I thought his plan was wrong and unfair. But God is till God and God is still Good. Job teaches us this lesson. 

We are also so lucky to be surrounded by people who care about us very much and are great supporters. Shout out to my friends that I've met in real life and my friends that I know from the online groups. I may never meet some of you ladies in real life, but know that you have a special place in my heart and I love you all the same! And thank you to family and friends who have sent us messages, called, and sent letters and cards letting us know you think of us. We cherish each of these. 

Over the course the next couple of days I really started to wonder if God still had my number or remembered me. I was feeling alone and in a really dark place. Last Thursday night, I even told Jeff that I wasn't sure God knew who I was anymore. Because humans doubt things they don't understand and can't control. And maybe just maybe, God don't care about us and decided we didn't have a place in his plan. But God works in mysterious ways and he always answers our prayers. Even if the answer is no or not how you want. 

Friday morning I received a text from a very dear sweet friend. She told me about a sweet baby girl, who I will call Baby A. Baby A was born with a tough road ahead due to brain damage found at birth and may potentially be looking for a mommy and daddy. Jeff and I immediately knew that we wanted to be part of her life. While it is still unclear whether she may become physically part of our lives, I feel like God placed her in our lives at that precise moment to just let us know that he does have our number and we are still his children. So for right now, we are prayer warriors for baby A. I know that God has great plans for her and that she has already changed our lives. So if you have room on your prayer list, please add baby A to your prayer list. Pray for miraculous recovery and healing, her biological family who is facing tough choices, and that God's will be made clear for everyone involved! I know God is answering prayers for this sweet child, I just don't know the answers. Waiting for answers. 

We also had to make a tough choice of whether or not we are going to pursue IVF. Financially speaking, I honestly don't know if it is in our grasp. It's a very expensive procedure and an emotional roller coaster. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am logical and rational and do not like big risks when it comes to money. And this risk is huge! Obviously the reward is so much greater, but the odds have rarely been in our favor so I have significant worry. That being said, we are trusting God to guide this path. If we are meant to pursue IVF, we believe he will make a way for us. If not, we are ready to accept that he will shut that door. Right now we are just waiting to see what he does with the door. Waiting again. 

The other option that we feel like God might be telling us, is that maybe we are not meant to have biological children. Maybe he has a different plan and that is not our calling. Jeff and I do not believe that this is the long-term plan, but maybe the right now plan. We believe that whatever plan God is calling us to, it will be made clear. But again, waiting for God to speak to us. This would be the toughest answer to our prayers to hear, but just because God doesn't give you the answer you want, doesn't mean that he didn't answer your prayer.

So that is the update for us right now. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As of right now, we are not set on any path. We are waiting to see what is revealed to us. We are relying on a higher power who has always blessed us and helped us find our way. We are waiting on a God who is greater than us to reveal his plan for us. Right now we are just excepting that God's answer is not now or potentially no. Like I said, not everyone gets the ending they hoped for, but everyone gets an answer. So for today, our answer is no to biological children. But we are hopeful that answer changes. 

Surrounded by Love

Hey hey hey! Three weeks (or so) and three posts, crazy! When I first started blogging, I had the grand idea to blog once a week. But we all know that not much happens month to month. But this last month has been crazy! I bet you're wondering what could possibly be going wrong in my life now?!?!?!?!? Well quite the opposite! I know most of you read the post from last week to the haters. I have just been so incredibly blessed this week that I had to write about it, because if haters get a post, supporters should get a million of them. But you would probably grow very very bored very very quickly if I wrote a think you post to each and every single person that has supported us this last week. Just know, I would love to write each of you a blog post and thank you for your love and encouragement. 

Over the last week, I have received so much love, support, and encouragement that I feel like my happiness bucket is overflowing. It has been so amazing to be surrounded by such love that I don't even have the words to describe it. I have heard from long-lost friends, family, current friends, people I only know through an amazing internet forum and I've never actually met in person, and so many others!!!! I can't believe how many people are following our journey and are cheering us on. I just can't put into words how I am feeling. Words like elated, awestruck, overjoyed, and joyful don't seem to do it justice. If there was ever a person who felt more loved than I do after this week, I don't know how. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You all have made me realize, for every 1 hater out there, there are 100 supporters. And all I need is to be around the good guys! It reminded me that while some people may disagree with our plans, so many more love and support us. 

We received some harsh news this week, but not even that could fully bring down my mood. We were told by our doctor, that if our next treatment cycle is a bust, there truly is nothing else for us but IVF. It involves some more testing next cycle and then an appointment with our doctor to start planning meds and dates of treatment. Oh yeah, and talking about prices and money. This life just got real. We knew we were heading this way, we had even started planning for it, and as you all know talking to our family about this potential. We have been getting our hearts ready for this to happen. But when you hear those words, "there's no other chance to have a biological baby", it just kind of hits hard, no matter how "prepared" you felt.

With that being said, my sister has been amazing and has helped me set up a Gofund me page to help us raise some of the money needed to fulfill our dream of having a family. When people have asked us how they can support us, we have always asked for prayers and encouragement. Recently, so many people have asked us how they can help us financially and so we set up this page. We're still asking for all the prayers, love, and encouragement you can spare, and if you want to help donate to our dream, here is the way you can do it. Check out our Go Fund Me page for more details. 

 I want to say a big thank you to everybody who has already donated to our dream, I honestly didn't think anybody would want to. We are so incredibly blessed to have so many caring people in our life. From the bottom of my heart I want to thank each and every person who has lifted up prayers, sent a word of encouragement, given a financial donation to our dream, and been a shoulder to cry on. I am truly in awe of how much love we are surrounded with.

Dear Haters

So I'm sure you're wondering what the heck could possibly be going on, she can barely come up with enough stuff to blog about more than once a month and now she's doing two in one week?!?! Well, let's just say, Life has been difficult this week. I created a blog to share not only what's going on but also the good and bad that happen along the way. This is one of the tough times. 

I knew that being public about our struggle and allowing people into our lives could create problems. I knew that some people may not agree with our decisions or may not understand them. You might ask why I would blog about our problems in the first place if I knew it would be met with people who didn't understand or criticize our life? I blog for many reasons. I blog to raise awareness of just how common infertility is. I blog so that people know how much this baby is loved, prayed for, wanted, planned for, and did I say loved… Yes so very loved. I blog for people who are misinformed and for people just starting this journey. I want people to have the truth, make wise decisions, and know that there are many options out there.

But really my main reason for blogging, is for the other women out there who struggle with infertility. Infertility is such a lonely and difficult world. So many women are unable to talk about their struggles without feeling shame or guilt or sadness. Many of these women cannot share with family and friends what is going on in their lives. They feel like no one will understand or people will see them as lesser. I blog for those women. On a weekly basis I hear from people around the country and really now around the world who have read my blog and have thanked me, because at least they know they're not alone. I blog for each and every one of those women. Nobody should feel alone, not when they are suffering pain and hardship. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

I also knew that there may not be people who agree with what we choose to do. And I have always been the kind of person who says that everybody is entitled to their own opinions, and as long as they are informed, respectful, and polite, I will discuss any differing opinions with people. But this week we had family members in our immediate family tell us that not only do they not agree with our decision of using science to help us get pregnant, but they have gone as far as to say they CANNOT LOVE OUR FUTURE CHILD if the BABY is not conceived "naturally". Specifically these people stated it was against "Their God". This was a blow that I was not ready for. 

I have always been a strong person, and I thought I was ready for anything. But sometimes strong people have their own doubts. If you all remember, last week I even wrote how I was struggling with my faith at the moment anyways, a blog I know these people read. This does not help me gain faith back in God and really turns me off of people who evangelize in all the wrong ways. I was not ready to hear this. Everybody is entitled to their own opinions, but to say that you can't love a tiny innocent baby because of how it was conceived goes too far. These people have also gone as far as to say that we are acting against God and that our child won't be a real person. You have got to be kidding me right? Below are two babies-one "natural" and one IVF-can you tell them apart? I can't. 

I spent a lot of time this week thinking, and I even contemplated not blogging anymore and lying to the world about our journey. But I refuse to let these haters take me down. My child will be conceived with love, want, and probably science. And we're OK with that and that's all that matters. So instead of taking down my blog and letting the haters win, I want to write a letter to the haters. So to all my haters:  

First off, I pray that you never know the pain and sadness that comes from infertility. I pray that if you choose to have a family, you are able to have the family in the way that you hope for. I pray that you never know how lonely, sad, and hard this journey is. And with that being said, I pray that if you do you suffer from infertility in the future, you never have to meet somebody like yourself. Somebody who thinks they know everything and makes judgments they don't understand. Someone who is ignorant. 

Jeff and I have had to make a lot of hard decisions over the last couple of years. We had no indication that we would have trouble and thought that our family would just grow like everybody else's. We had no idea that it would be such a long hard journey. We also made the decision to share our journey with others for various reasons. But it wasn't so you could hate our child. It also wasn't so that you could look at our child and say that he or she wasn't a real child or that you couldn't love them. 

I have no idea where you get the right to decide how we should help our family grow. You are not us, you don't know the long agonizing discussions we've had, and you don't know how many nights we have sat up crying. Basically you really don't know us on a deep personal level. Your words have not only caused me pain but have also caused my husband pain and isolation and for that, it is unforgivable. And if that wasn't bad enough, to watch my husband suffer because of your ignorance, you state that you cannot love my child. That is OK, my child will have lots of love and support from other people and does not need to be around someone who can't love them anyways. 

And in regards to what you are saying about this being against "your" God. I have nothing to say. I was under the impression that we believed in the same God, but I guess I was wrong. My God is a God of love, who loves everybody from the moment they were conceived. My God is a God who believes humans were created in his image, not that some humans were created in his image and some weren't. He does not pick and choose who he loves and who he calls to him. My God is a God that loves each and every person, every person.  

My God is a God that teaches that everybody is special, everybody has a story, and everybody deserves to be loved. My God is also a God who gave us science. He has allowed us the ability to conceive outside the womb, and within a couple of days, place the baby in the womb and grow a baby. FYI, in case you didn't know, babies are not conceived in you womb, they are actually conceived in your Fallopian tube. So no baby is conceived in the womb… Just saying. 

I know why certain churches/denominations have been against IVF, do you? I also know you have not asked us specific questions to know if we are going against the church's teachings or not. Maybe you should have had a conversation before you spit hatred out. Maybe you should have done some research before jumping on the hatred wagon. Maybe you should have formed your thoughts from information and not just passed judgement. 

It does not matter anymore for you hater. My child(ren), my family, and myself will no longer have anything to do with haters. 

Sincerely,  

A very hurt person who wants nothing more than to become a mom

Thank you for letting me vent. And go ahead haters-you just hate. I am going to be ok without you. 

Decisions Decisions Decisions

So I am probably the worst blogger ever. The main problem is that not a whole lot new happens when you have infertility. It feels like you're living life on repeat, constantly counting days, taking medication, giving yourself (or trusting your husband to give you) a shot, testing, and then starting it all over again when that month fails. I feel like my blog would sound something like this: 

  so this month was another bust, more money out of pocket, and 

          I hate insurance again. But on the bright side I'm getting to know the nurses and Dr. on a first name basis and they don't even need my chart anymore to know who I am. 

So you probably wouldn't want to read my blog anyways because you would be bored to tears. I'm sure by now you're asking yourself, if she's got nothing to write about, then why is she making a new post.

Will you see that is a great question to ask! We have been asked by a lot of people what is going on and we are to the point where we have some decisions we have to start making. Let me just give you a quick synopsis of our trying to Cutie Pie Humphrey so far in case you are just joining! (Or skip down to the part that says "So now what" to find out what this post is really about!) 

-12 months of perfectly timed trying to conceive
-visit the RE and start 2 months of testing
-get diagnosed with PCOS, a block right tube, and hypothyroidism-full story Here
-Treatment starts! 

Here is the shortest summary of each month! 

-January-I take Letrozole plus a bunch of other things to grow pretty eggs and see if it works. It works somewhat, but I have super lazy ovaries. After a brief argument discussion and demanding to up my dose but stay on this med we move on to Month 2. (Want more details-read about it HERE)

-February-Upped dose of Letrozole which works, sort of. Ovaries are still lazy but getting closer. Move on to Month 3

At this point we decided we were ready to move on to trying meds plus IUI. What is IUI? Google or read about it Here

-March-All the meds, plus some and I insist on early monitoring to see when the egg is ready so we can add a trigger shot. So now I order a shot each month that I trust Jeff to give me each month. The plan works, I have a perfect cycle with a beautiful egg released on the good side. Still not pregnant. Look at my month in pills:

April-Repeat April's plan but then we see the egg is on the blocked side and so that month is cancelled. No IUI, no miracle pregnancy and on to month 5. 

May-Repeat March's protocol again. Everything goes 100% perfect. All numbers are great and everything looks awesome. Still not pregnant. On to Month 6.

See, told you-boring updates would have been all you got in this blog before now. 

So now what????

Now we as a couple have decided to start looking into IVF. But that is not covered at all by insurance (well none of it has been by them) and the VA won't pay for it at all ether. We are grateful that the VA has paid for our testing and most of the costs of the IUI, which has been a huge blessing.  But now it seems dumb. They will keep paying $2000 a month for something that is not working and has like a 5% success rate at this point but refuse to pay for something with a 60% success rate. Way to be cost effective VA.

What does that mean? We will continue to do this same treatment route with IUIs (and hope that maybe just maybe it will work) as we save up for IVF since the VA will keep covering it for a while. But that also means we are now saving up for IVF. We are looking at 2 or 3 different clinics and have to make a decision which we want to go for. The price does not change that much regardless of where we choose, but different sites have different protocols, packages, and requirements. Big picture, we are now working to save around $25,000. Yep those zeros are correct. You read that right. So yeah, trips back home to MN are now going to be few and far between. Vacations are no more and our budget just got real tight. But in the end we know it is the right choice and we will make it in a heart beat to have our dream of a family. 

So that is where we are. Budgeting, saving, and waiting. As we go forward with this process I will update more, promise, for real this time. 

Check back soon-or subscribe and it will tell you when to check back! ;)